An Irishman's wife is having a baby so he
rushes her to the hospital. After a long
wait and a tough delivery in which the doctor
had to use forceps
the baby is finally born at about 3:00am.
The Irishman looks at the baby and says,
"Yeah that's my boy.
That's the way an Irishman is supposed to
look at 3 in the morning."
Paddy went to the confessional.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
"What is your sin, my son?” Father Murphy asked.
"Well,” Paddy started, “I used some horrible language this week,
and I feel absolutely
terrible.”
"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power
line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about
a hundred yards.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed
my ball in his mouth and
began to run away.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down
out of the sky, grabbed the
squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”
"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws,
it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a
bit of forest near
the green, the squirrel dropped my
ball.”
"Did you swear then?”
"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through
some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled
through a sand trap
onto the green and stopped within six
inches of the hole.”
Father Murphy sighed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”
An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating
that her husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature;
she replied that she hadn't but would and
then call back.
When she hadn't called within a half hour,
the doctor called and asked her
what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't
have a thermometer,
so I put a barometer on his chest and it
said dry,
so I gave him a pint and he went off to
work!"
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the
priest asked for
volunteers to raise funds for its repair.
Mike offered his services.
About a week later, the priest met Mike
who was straggling
from side to side as a result of having
imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic.
"I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he
said. "Every one of the neighbors
I called on insisted on giving me a wee
drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotalers
in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've
written to them."
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours
after a heavy night out with his mates.
When he woke up the next morning, he found
he was in bed with the dog
beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!"
said Mick.
" I must have been really drunk when I got
home.
I thought there was a lot of noise when
I threw the dog out!"
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says
to the first,
"What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy
O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks
the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat
above Paddy."
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00
and was on a long holiday in America.
He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours
and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide
said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide
said,
"It's so big, that your County Kerry would
fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do
wonders for it!"
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.
The young couple sat in the parlor of the
girl's house night after night,
much to the annoyance of old man Phelan.
One night he couldn’t take any more.
Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled
down,
"What's that young fella doin' here all
hours of the night?"
"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time, “ roared Phelan, "just
let him tell you what's in his head,
and it won't take half as long!"
The Irish: An English-piquing people.
Mike and Pat had been best friends all their
lives. As they got older, they made a pact.
They pooled their money and bought a bottle
of the finest Irish whiskey that money could buy.
They agreed that when one of them died,
the other would
take the whiskey and pour it over his friend's
grave in tribute.
Mike thought about is for a while and then
asked,
"Ye know, Pat, this is all well and good,
but do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"
A man walks into a pub and takes a seat on
one of the barstools. He strikes
up a conversation with the man next to him.
After talking for a few minutes, he says,
"Ye know, from hearing ye talk, I think
ye're from the old sod."
The other guy replies, "Aye, I'm from Ireland."
"What part of Ireland are ye from?"
"I'm from Dublin."
"Wow, I'm from Dublin too. What part of Dublin
are ye from?"
"I come from the West side."
"I come from the West side too. What parish
are ye from?"
"I'm from St. John's Parish."
"Wow, I'm from St. John's Parish. Who was
your priest?"
"Father Flanagan."
"Father Flanagan was my priest too! What
year did ye graduate?"
"I graduated in 1977."
"Wow. I graduated in 1977 too. When did ye
come to America?"
"I came to America in 1995."
"I came in 1995 too!"
After hearing this exchange, another man
at the bar turned to
the bartender and said, "Can you believe
this? What a coincidence!"
The bartender replied, "Oh, just ignore them.
It's just the O'Malley twins, drunk again!"
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint
of booze in his back
pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something
wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
You have heard many things of that great
sword Excalibur
but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin
Excalibrogue.
Now unlike his cousin, Excalibur, Excalibrogue
was a singing sword.
The sword was taken up by the future king
of Ireland.
As in his cousin's tale excalibrogue led
his bearer Aaron to many great victories.
Unfortunately for history's sake one night
Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.
After that Excalibrogue's song was off key
and things started going wrong for poor Aaron.
He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally
the devil himself came and stole his last cent.
Aaron turned to the sword and begged for
answers.
The sword said. " You should have known
there'd be hell to pay when I lost my temper."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks
into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves
the man three beers,
which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later,
the man has finished the three beers and
orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and
drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about
the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches
the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here
are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You
see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and the other to Australia. We
promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever
we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased
with this answer, and soon the
Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local
celebrity and source of
pride to the hamlet, even to the extent
that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders
only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.
This continues for the rest of the evening:
he orders only two beers.
The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the
man, "Folks around here, me first of all,
want to offer condolences to you for the
death of your brother.
You know-the two beers and all..." The man
ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers
are alive and well.
It's just that I've decided to give up drinking
for Lent."
Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting,
and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times, and
Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After
the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it
not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal,
and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest
said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole
and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The
priest said, "I don't believe this.
You mean to tell me that when you die you
don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought
you were getting a group together to go right now."
The good Father was warning his listeners
about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered,
"somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old
Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.
Very angry, the priest said to the jovial
old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a
member of this parish."
An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia
and asks the cab driver (an Irishman)
to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby
takes him to Saint Pat's.
The Bishop says, "I said to you very clearly,
take me to Christ's Church.
This isn't the place!" The cabby replies,
"Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom
to pay for her husband's obituary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that
it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and
wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned
the fact that she only had two dollars.
But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved
more and he'd give her
three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete
Monaghan thanked him
and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat
for sale"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and
was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
that he had died. He quickly phoned his
best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher.
"They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where
are you callin' from?"
The local District Judge had given the defendant
a lecture on the evils of drink.
But in view of the fact that this was the
first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the
case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings
costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again,"
said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir,"
said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular
pub!"
After the Britain Beer Festival, in London,
all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says,
"Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the
best beer in the world.
Give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only
beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says,
"Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but
gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at
him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
and the Guinness president replies, "Well,
I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to
Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared
the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed
through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes
man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size
of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Mike and Sean were walking in the woods
when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame
Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
“Seamus, do you understand French?” “I do
if it’s spoken in Irish.”
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets
a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam
day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know,
sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven,
God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him.
He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and
proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
"Look son, look what I'm after making".
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
"what is it?" God replied, "it's another
planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it.
I've named it Earth and there's going to
be a balance between everything on it.
For example, there's North America and South
America.
North America is going to be rich and south
America is going to be poor,
and the narrow bit joining them - that's
going to be a hot spot.
Now look over here. I've put a continent
of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south.
And then the archangel said, "and what's
that green dot there?".
And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle
- that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot
on earth;
Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams,
and an exquisite coast line.
These people here are going to be great
craic and they're going to be found traveling the world.
They'll be playwrights and poets and singers
and songwriters.
And I'm going to give them this black liquid
which they're going to go mad on
and for which people will come from the
far corners of the earth to imbibe.
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and
admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed:
"Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE,
you said there was going to be a balance."
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see
the neighbors I'm going to give them."
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the
phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello".
The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello
Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here.
I'm just ringing to let you know that we've
declared war on your country."
Saddam smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy",
he says,
"there's no point you declaring war on us,
you wouldn't stand a chance."
Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves
a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So Saddam says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've
got an air force of over a thousand planes.
What kind of air force have you got to match
that? It'd be over in no time."
So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself
a hot-air balloon, and my brother
used to work at an airport."
Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not
got a hope."
"Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says,
"we'll just have a quick meeting."
So off he goes and has a quick meeting.
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein?
Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've
decided that we're still going to declare war."
So Saddam says, "Right then Paddy, well
you know, as well as the air force,
we've also got about a thousand tanks. How
are you going to match that?"
"Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin,
and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."
"Get real, " says Saddam, "that's no match
at all."
So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and
have another meeting."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein?
Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've
decided that we're still going to declare war."
Saddam thinks this is just amazing,
"Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?"
"Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid,
me 4 cousins, and they all had sons,
and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon
I could get together about 30."
Laughing openly now Saddam replies, "Come
on Paddy,
I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting
men at my disposal.
I think you'd better go and have another
meeting."
"I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well
we've had our meeting,
and we've decided that we're not going to
declare war on you after all."
"At last, " replies Saddam, "What made you
change your mind?"
"Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you
see.
We can't declare war on you because we've
not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television
with British TV host Anne Diamond
when he used the word 'mañana'. Diamond
asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job
will be done tomorrow,
maybe the next day, maybe the day after
that.
Perhaps next week, next month, next year.
Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan
who was also on the show and
asked him if there was an equivalent term
in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to
describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin,
O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing.
As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin
walked by.
"What are ye doing?"
asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer
bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said
O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the
line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen
and dipped the worm in it.
He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast
his line once more.
As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod
bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?"
asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews,
fighting with the rod,
"The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"
Yesterday a 2 seater Cessna 152 crashed
into an Irish cemetery.
So far to date, police have recovered 52
bodies.
Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo
village:
'When you can't read this sign, the road
is flooded.
Seen in a Dublin newspaper:
Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000
plus a holiday for two in Paris.
For those only playing for fun, the answers
are on page 14.
Casey had followed Murphy back to his flat.
Drunkenly they'd stumbled the half mile
from the Jolly Toper pub to celebrate Murphy's birthday.
'I've got it all organised,' said he, 'we'll
have a party just you and I.'
Entering the Murphy domicile Casey spotted
the living room table covered in
crates of beer and bottles of whiskey, brandy
and rum.
On a plate on the side were two slices of
bread.
'Is it a party we're having?' he asked.
'It is so!' answered Murphy.
'Well,' said Casey, 'what's all the bread
for?'
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may
I come in?"
he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't
tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead
and gone.
I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it
happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a
vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
During the Gulf War, three men, an Englishman,
a Scotsman and an
Irishman are captured by enemy soldiers.
The enemy general says to them
that he is feeling in a good mood and will
set them free, but only if
they sing a song which has a dog mentioned
in the song. The
Englishman starts singing "You Ain't Nothing
But A Hound-Dog" as sung
by Elvis Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman
is set free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is
that doggy in the window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman
is set free...
Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers
in the night..."
"Strangers in the night?" asks the general
"Where's the dog in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman
says "It's in the
chorus" He continues with, "Scooby dooby
doo be dooby doo doo..."
