An Irishman's wife is having a baby so he rushes her to the hospital. After a long
wait and a tough delivery in which the doctor had to use forceps

the baby is finally born at about 3:00am.

The Irishman looks at the baby and says, "Yeah that's my boy.
That's the way an Irishman is supposed to look at 3 in the morning."


Paddy went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

"What is your sin, my son?” Father Murphy asked.

"Well,” Paddy started, “I used some horrible language this week,

 and I feel absolutely terrible.”

"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going

 to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging

over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground

 after going only about a hundred yards.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed

my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down

out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”

"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws,

it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near

the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

"Did you swear then?”

"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through

some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap

onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

Father Murphy sighed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”


An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill.
The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature;

she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her
what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer,

so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry,

so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"


The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for
volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.

About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling

from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely. Mike was apologetic.

"I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbors

I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."

The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mike?"

"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."


Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates.
When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog

beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Mick.

" I must have been really drunk when I got home.

I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"


A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."


Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America.
He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.

Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."

"It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said,

"It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."

And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"


Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.
The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night,

much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn’t take any more.

Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down,

"What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"

"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"

"Well, next time, “ roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head,

and it won't take half as long!"


The Irish: An English-piquing people.


Mike and Pat had been best friends all their lives. As they got older, they made a pact.
They pooled their money and bought a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey that money could buy.

They agreed that when one of them died, the other would

take the whiskey and pour it over his friend's grave in tribute.

Mike thought about is for a while and then asked,
"Ye know, Pat, this is all well and good, but do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"


A man walks into a pub and takes a seat on one of the barstools. He strikes up a conversation with the man next to him.
After talking for a few minutes, he says,

"Ye know, from hearing ye talk, I think ye're from the old sod."

The other guy replies, "Aye, I'm from Ireland."

"What part of Ireland are ye from?"

"I'm from Dublin."

"Wow, I'm from Dublin too. What part of Dublin are ye from?"

"I come from the West side."

"I come from the West side too. What parish are ye from?"

"I'm from St. John's Parish."

"Wow, I'm from St. John's Parish. Who was your priest?"

"Father Flanagan."

"Father Flanagan was my priest too! What year did ye graduate?"

"I graduated in 1977."

"Wow. I graduated in 1977 too. When did ye come to America?"

"I came to America in 1995."

"I came in 1995 too!"

After hearing this exchange, another man at the bar turned to
the bartender and said, "Can you believe this? What a coincidence!"

The bartender replied, "Oh, just ignore them. It's just the O'Malley twins, drunk again!"


O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back
pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


You have heard many things of that great sword Excalibur
but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin Excalibrogue.

Now unlike his cousin, Excalibur, Excalibrogue was a singing sword.
The sword was taken up by the future king of Ireland.

As in his cousin's tale excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories.

Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.

After that Excalibrogue's song was off key and things started going wrong for poor Aaron.

He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.

Aaron turned to the sword and begged for answers.

The sword said. " You should have known there'd be hell to pay when I lost my temper."


An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers,

which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later,

the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.

"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to

America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would

always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the

Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of

pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.

This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers.

The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all,

want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother.

You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,

"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well.

It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent."


Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and

Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,

Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this.

You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.

Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman)
to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's.

The Bishop says, "I said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church.

This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!


Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary.
She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and

wasn't it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars.

But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her

three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him

and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"


The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.
But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the

case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.

"And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"


After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world.

Give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with

Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.
He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"


Mike and Sean were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".


“Seamus, do you understand French?” “I do if it’s spoken in Irish.”


A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
"Look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,

"what is it?"  God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it.

I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it.

For example, there's North America and South America.

North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor,

and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot.

Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south.

And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?".

And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place.

That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth;

Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line.

These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world.

They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters.

And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on

and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed:

"Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance."

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbors I'm going to give them."


Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello".
The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here.

I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country."

Saddam smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says,

"there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance."

Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

So Saddam says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes.

What kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time."

So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother

used to work at an airport."

Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope."

"Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting."

So off he goes and has a quick meeting.

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein?

Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

So Saddam says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force,

we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that?"

"Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."

"Get real, " says Saddam, "that's no match at all."

So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein?

Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

Saddam thinks this is just amazing,

"Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?"

"Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons,

and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30."

Laughing openly now Saddam replies, "Come on Paddy,

I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal.

I think you'd better go and have another meeting."

"I will", says Paddy, "I will."

"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting,

and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all."

"At last, " replies Saddam, "What made you change your mind?"

"Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see.

We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond
when he used the word 'mañana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow,

maybe the next day, maybe the day after that.

Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and

asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.


MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing.
As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

    "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.

    "Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

    "Caught anything?"

    "Ach, nae a bite,"

    "What are ye usin' fer bait?"


    "Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

    MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.

O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it.

He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more.

As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

    "Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.

    "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod,

"The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"


Yesterday a 2 seater Cessna 152 crashed into an Irish cemetery.
So far to date, police have recovered 52 bodies.


Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo village:
'When you can't read this sign, the road is flooded.


Seen in a Dublin newspaper:
Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for two in Paris.

For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.


Casey had followed Murphy back to his flat.
Drunkenly they'd stumbled the half mile from the Jolly Toper pub to celebrate Murphy's birthday.

'I've got it all organised,' said he, 'we'll have a party just you and I.'

Entering the Murphy domicile Casey spotted the living room table covered in

crates of beer and bottles of whiskey, brandy and rum.

On a plate on the side were two slices of bread.

'Is it a party we're having?' he asked.

'It is so!' answered Murphy.

'Well,' said Casey, 'what's all the bread for?'


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?"

he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."


"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


During the Gulf War, three men, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an
Irishman are captured by enemy soldiers. The enemy general says to them

that he is feeling in a good mood and will set them free, but only if

they sing a song which has a dog mentioned in the song. The

Englishman starts singing "You Ain't Nothing But A Hound-Dog" as sung

by Elvis Presley.

"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set free...

The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in the window"

"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set free...

Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers in the night..."

"Strangers in the night?" asks the general "Where's the dog in that?"

"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says "It's in the
chorus" He continues with, "Scooby dooby doo be dooby doo doo..."