Did you hear about
the two Irish gay men?
and Patrick Fitzmichael
It was Friday evening
and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were
trying to decide where
to go that night.
"I know," says Murphy,
"there's a great club in town we ought to try."
"What's it like?" asked
Murphy answers, "Well,
you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs
for a free shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After 20 minutes you
go back upstairs for another shag. After this you go back to the bar for
free drink, then go
upstairs and have another free shag! After this you go downstairs, have
free drink, and leave.
On the way out, they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Saints be praised!"
said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been there before?"
"No," says Murphy,
"but me sister has!"
Tim Kelly was walking
through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him.
"Good evenin", Kelly,"
said the muffled figure.
"Don’t ye be knowin"
your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan,
whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster.
One arm was in a sling
and he was leaning on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly.
"Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both,"
said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it.
But the truth is,
Murphy did this to me. Himself comes in with a murtherin'
big shillelagh in
his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said
Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan?
Hadn't ye nothin'
in your own hand?"
"Aye that I did. Mrs.
Murphy's tit," said Grogan.
"A beautiful thing
it is, but not worth a dom in a fight."
Paddy was picked up
on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows
and the accusing woman
was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward,
and screamed, "That’s her! That’s her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
An Irish priest and
a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the
priest opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that, in your
religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork...
Have you actually
ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I
must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had
his turn of interrogation. He asked,
"Your religion, too...I
know you’re supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied,
"Yes, I know what you’re going to ask.
I have succumbed once
There was silence for
Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork,
A modest Irish young
lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she
might have the sentence,
"If you can read this you're too damn close!"
embroidered on her
panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said
the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done.
Would you prefer block
or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied,
innocently lowering her lashes.
Aer Lingus (The Irish
National Airline) recently introduced a special half fare for
wives who accompanied
their husbands on business trips.
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had
used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring
in asking, "What trip?"
Two Irish lovers are
sitting on a bench, in a park.
They are holding hands,
but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: "Patrick. I have
something to tell you."
Patrick: "Well, what's
on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
Mary: "It's so terrible."
Patrick: "You know
you can trust me. What is it?"
Mary: "Well, it was
a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight."
Patrick: "So, what
Mary: "Oh. We were
so desperate. For some time I had to turn prostitute!"
Mary: "We needed the
money so bad!"
Patrick: "There is
no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul!
How could you? YOU!
Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
Mary: "Not you, Pat!
No! I thought you'd understand.
I thought you could
still love me, even though I had been a whore."
Patrick: "Oh! You.
Well, that's OK. For a moment I thought you said 'Protestant'!"
An Irish man went to
his first American baseball game.
As the first batter
made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped
up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got
up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped
up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
The third batter got
up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3... ball 4.....
The umpire yelled
"Take your base!"
The batter jogged toward
The Irish man jumped
up and yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked
at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!"
The Irish man's jaw
dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, mon! Walk with pride!"
A son and father went
to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill.
The doctor told the
father and son that the father was dying from cancer.
The father, who was
an Irishman, turned to his son and said,
"Son, even on this
gloomy day, it’s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death;
so let’s go to the
pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son
followed his father to the local pub.
There, while enjoying
their ale, the father saw some old friends
and told them he was
dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father
and said, "Father,
it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer.
Why did you lie to
The father replied:
"Aye, my son, you are right;
but I don’t want those
fellas sleeping with your mom when I’m gone."
An Englishman, a Scotsman,
and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.
All are keen to make
an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes
first and to the surprise of his colleagues,
starts by rubbing
first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes the
Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained"
By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies
and by rubbing my
groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started:
Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the
podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better
than that English
bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers
above his head before
also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his
colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well" he explained"
By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and
groin I was starting
my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the
podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further
than those mainland
bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol
above his head, rubbing
his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his
colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained,"
by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin
and then masturbating
I was starting my speech by saying
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure......."
An Irishman walks into
a bar and asks for two beers.
He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one
drink and the green man is drinking the other,
an Englishman down
the bar who has had a few too many drinks says
"Hey, what's that
little green thing down there?"
The green man runs
down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry,
" SPLBLBLBLT!," right
in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops
himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies,
"Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the
Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later,
the Englishman is really plastered.
"Boy, that leprechaun
sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs
down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman
is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again
I'll Chop his willie
right off, I will!" he shouts.
"You can't do that,”
says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have willies."
"How do they pee, then?"
asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says
the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."
Mahoney said to his
friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"'Tis a good thing,
too -- that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
"Help! Help!" cried
the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station.
"An Irishman molested
"How'd you know he
was Irish?" inquired the sergeant at the desk.
"I had to help him,"
Q: What do you call
an Irish pervert?
A: An Irishman who
prefers sex to whisky.
An Irishman walks out
of a pub in Boston, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat
sees him and approaches, "Can I help you?"
stole me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well
now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end
of this key."
About this time the
cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being
exhibited for all
to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks
down woefully and moans, "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!"
A wedding occurred,
just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition
going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom’s families had a
storming rage and begin
wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the crap out
of each other.
The police get called
in to break up the fight.
The following week,
all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues
in the courtroom until the Judge
finally brings calm
with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The courtroom goes
silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the
best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and
asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation
by telling the court that it is traditional in a
Cavan wedding that
the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy,
"After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going,
so I continued dancing
to the second song, and after that the music kept going and
I was dancing to the
third song when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and
gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly
responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!..
He broke three of my fingers!"
One fine day in Ireland,
a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks
one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for
his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge
knot on his head and
the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the
golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the
little guy says,
"Well, you caught
me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't
take anything from you, I'm just glad
I didn't hurt you
too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer
depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me,
so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the
three things that I would want.
I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past
(as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out
golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole.
He gets up and hits
one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.
When he finds the
ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says,
"I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's
great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you,"
responds the leprechaun,
"And might I ask how
your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you
mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket,
I pull out a hundred
dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles
and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks
at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun
stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at
him sheepishly and says,
"Well, that's not
too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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