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So this Irishman walks out of a bar.
No, really, it COULD happen.
Seamus Murphy opened a dry cleaning business next door to a convent.
The next day he knocked on the door of the convent and asked Mother
Superior if the nuns had any dirty habits.
During World War II, the captured Allied
agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break.
On this particular night, Major O'Roarke
and Lieutenant Flanagan
were chosen to try to cut their way out
of the east gate.
They were hard at work when the siren sounded,
and the floodlights caught them in the act.
As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke
said,
"We were so careful. How did you ever catch
us?"
The German replied, "It's very simple, I
can always tell when Irish spies are filing."
I
was in a Dublin pub on Saturday night. I noticed two rather large girls by the
bar.
They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you stupid idiot!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
Then the lights went out!!!!
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
he'd been
stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience
began to bother him and
he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing
wood from the lumber
yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.
The first Irish National Steeplechase was
finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing
on the cathedral roof.
There was this guy who was half Irish, half Scottish.
He wanted a drink, but
he couldn't bring himself to pay for one!
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body at the funeral of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All
dressed up and no place to go."
The Irish invented whiskey. The Scots improved
on it, and made single malt whisky.
The Irish invented the kilt.
The Scots improved on it, put tartan patterns
on it and gave it a sporran.
The Irish invented porridge
The Scots improved on it with malt, honey,
and milk.
The Irish invented the bagpipes.
The Scots haven't got the joke yet.
Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic,
who told him he needed a new muffler.
Tim went straight home and asked his wife
to knit him one.
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased
the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was
the only one who saw any snakes!
There are two Irishmen on the Forth road
bridge in Edinburgh.
One has a budgie on his shoulder and the
other has a parrot and a shotgun.
The first takes a flying leap and unfortunately
crashes
to his death in the icy cold waters of the
Forth.
The second follows and halfway down he pulls
out his
shotgun and shoots the parrot but this does
not prevent his death
as he also crashes into the icy cold waters
of the Forth.
They both meet up again as they go through
the pearly gates and the first chap says,
"I'm not trying that 'budgie jumping' again!"
The second says, "And I'm never trying that
'parrot shooting' either!"
I was at the local Irish pub a few days
ago, and they were
putting up signs advertising their Oktoberfest
plans.
I said to the manager, "I didn't realize
Oktoberfest was Irish."
He answered, "Anything for a buck. And that's
*very* Irish."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus,
were stumbling home from the pub late one night
and found themselves on the road that led
past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe
old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one
named Patrick O'Tool,
it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's
a fella that got to be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights
a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker,
and says,
"Miles, from Dublin."
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all
night.
The bartender finally says that the bar
is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls
flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat
on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his
home and
when he arrives at the door he stands up
and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more
time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright
but he quickly falls right into bed
and is sound asleep as soon as his head
hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife
standing over him shouting at him
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he
puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair
there again."
How many Irishmen does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Six. One to hold the bulb and five others
to stand around and drink until the room spins.
NEW BOOK.
Irish Flooring . by Lynn O'Leum
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What's the best ten years in an Irishman’s
life?
A. Third grade.
Q: How many Irish husbands does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Irish men aren't afraid of the dark!
Q: What's green and sits outside?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
Q: What's an Irish seven-course meal?
A: A boiled potato and a six-pack.
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His
only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
and he didn't know anyone who would spade
up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and
received this reply,
"For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the money and the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British
soldiers showed up and
dug up the entire garden, but didn't find
any money or guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling
him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
A frog goes into an Irish bank and approaches
the teller.
He can see from his nameplate that the teller's
name is Paddy Whack.
So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get
a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday."
Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief
and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says 30,000 pounds.
The teller asks his name and the frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger
and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.
Paddy explains that 30,000 pounds is a substantial
amount of money
and that he would need to secure some collateral
against the
loan and asks if he has anything he can
use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this" and produces
a tiny pink elephant,
about half an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.
Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll
have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.
He finds the manager and says, "There's a
frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants
to borrow 30 grand.
And he wants to use this as collateral."
He holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what the heck is this?"
The bank manager replies,
"It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the
frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex
Levine
An Irishman Is Not Drunk So Long As He Can
Hold On To One Blade Of Grass And Not Fall
Off The Earth.
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to
sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden.
The mule worked well but was almost totally
deaf.
When his owner yelled, "Whoa!” the animal
often continued plowing.
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary
shook his head.
"There was a time," he said, "when all the
neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies."
"Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing
but my riled Irish whoa's!"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was
tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the
sink.
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a
goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin"!"
"Don’t worry," assured Mick. "Next to the
Strong Muldoon,
Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll
pull ye right out o" there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy’s hand
and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts,
Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an" Oi can’t
do it.
The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called
"Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if
Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses
during the first chukka.
Then there was the Irishman who sued the
local baker
for forging the Irishman’s signature on
a hot cross bun....
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a
valiant effort,
but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and
all the
drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
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