So this Irishman walks out of a bar.

No, really, it COULD happen.



Seamus Murphy opened a dry cleaning business next door to a convent.

The next day he knocked on the door of the convent and asked Mother Superior if the nuns had any dirty habits.

During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were
attempting yet another daring prison break.

On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan

were chosen to try to cut their way out of the east gate.

They were hard at work when the siren sounded,
and the floodlights caught them in the act.

As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said,

"We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"

The German replied, "It's very simple, I can always tell when Irish spies are filing."

I was in a Dublin pub on Saturday night. I noticed two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you stupid idiot!"

So I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Then the lights went out!!!!

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time

 he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience

began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing

wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.

The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.

There was this guy who was half Irish, half Scottish.

He wanted a drink, but he couldn't bring himself to pay for one!

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body at the funeral of a dead atheist.

"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

The Irish invented whiskey. The Scots improved on it, and made single malt whisky.

The Irish invented the kilt.
The Scots improved on it, put tartan patterns on it and gave it a sporran.

The Irish invented porridge
The Scots improved on it with malt, honey, and milk.

The Irish invented the bagpipes.

The Scots haven't got the joke yet.


Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler.
Tim went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one.


When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!


There are two Irishmen on the Forth road bridge in Edinburgh.
One has a budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot and a shotgun.

The first takes a flying leap and unfortunately crashes
to his death in the icy cold waters of the Forth.

The second follows and halfway down he pulls out his
shotgun and shoots the parrot but this does not prevent his death

as he also crashes into the icy cold waters of the Forth.

They both meet up again as they go through the pearly gates and the first chap says,
"I'm not trying that 'budgie jumping' again!"

The second says, "And I'm never trying that 'parrot shooting' either!"

I was at the local Irish pub a few days ago, and they were

putting up signs advertising their Oktoberfest plans.

I said to the manager, "I didn't realize Oktoberfest was Irish."

He answered, "Anything for a buck. And that's *very* Irish."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night

and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool,
it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and says,

"Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.

He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and

when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed

and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six. One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around and drink until the room spins.


Irish Flooring . by Lynn O'Leum


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.


Q. What's the best ten years in an Irishman’s life?
A. Third grade.


Q: How many Irish husbands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Irish men aren't afraid of the dark!


Q: What's green and sits outside?
A: Paddy O'Furniture


Q: What's an Irish seven-course meal?
A: A boiled potato and a six-pack.


An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply,
"For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money and the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and
dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any money or guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."


A frog goes into an Irish bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from his nameplate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack.

So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday."

Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says 30,000 pounds.

The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger

and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.

Paddy explains that 30,000 pounds is a substantial amount of money
and that he would need to secure some collateral against the

loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this" and produces a tiny pink elephant,
about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the

manager and disappears into a back office.

He finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand.

And he wants to use this as collateral."

He holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager replies,
"It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine


An Irishman Is Not Drunk So Long As He Can
Hold On To One Blade Of Grass And Not Fall Off The Earth.


An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden.
The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.

When his owner yelled, "Whoa!” the animal often continued plowing.

Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head.
"There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies."

"Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but my riled Irish whoa's!"


Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.


Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin"!"

"Don’t worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon,
Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o" there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts,

Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an" Oi can’t do it.

The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called
"Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"


The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.


Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker
for forging the Irishman’s signature on a hot cross bun....


The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort,
but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the

drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."


An Irishman bought a mobile phone.
While he was showing it off in the pub the phone rang.

He answered it only to hear his wife’s voice on the other end.

"Yikes!" he remarked, "how did you know I was here!?"


It was two days before Saint Patrick's Day, so the Irishman had to
fight his way through the crowd at the Heathrow check-in counter to inquire,

"How long does it take to fly to Dublin?"

The harried clerk glanced up. "Just a minute, sir."

"Thank you so much," said the Irishman, turning away.


An Irishman is going for a run down a railway track when he notices a
train approaching behind him. He runs faster and faster, as fast as he can,

but eventually he is caught by the train and finds himself in a hospital with 4 broken limbs.

On treating his wounds, the nurse asks,
"Paddy, why didn't you just run up the embankment to avoid the train?"

"You stupid woman," retorts Paddy. "if I can't beat it on the flat, how will I beat it uphill??"


The 2012 Irish Steeplechase has just been run.
Every steeple was caught, and surrendered without a struggle.


We've got our own recipe for Irish stew:
Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout.

Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.


A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says: "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says. "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."



Military Agriculture    -    by Colonel O'Corn
Exotic Irish Plants    -    by Phil O'Dendron

Irish Dentistry    -    by Perry O'Dontal

Green Lawn Chairs    -    by Patty O'Furniture

Irish First Aid    -    by R.U. O'Kaye

Irish Flooring    -    by Lynn O'Leum

The Irish Heart Surgeon    -    by Angie O'Plasty

Smoker's Cough    -    by Nick O'Teen

The LA Lakers' Breakfast    -    by Kareem O'Wheat

I Say So!    -    by Frank O. Pinion

Not Bogged Down In Reality    -    by Jason Rainbows

Wouldn't You Know It?    -    by Murphy Slaw


An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler.

He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband.
She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."