An Irish man took his old donkey to the beach to try and make a bit of money.
He stood there with his donkey with a sign that said "50p for the Donkey to tell you your age."

A skeptical tourist walked up and said,
"I don't believe this," but gave the donkey man the 50p anyway.

The old donkey stood there quietly contemplating for a moment
then broke wind noisily and stamped his front foot -- once.

The tourist was unimpressed and said to the donkey guy, "Hey! He didn't tell me my age!"

"To be sure 'e did," said the donkey guy, "you're farty one."


There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind.

The town constable walked up to her and said,

"Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?"

The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the Mother Superior to cure her constipation."

The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked,
"And how might it be that yer present state could have anything

to do with the Mother Superior's constipation?"

Sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."

Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."

So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.."

Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service,
as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

"Well what would that be now, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"


There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.  Peter asked, "Who are you?"

Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St.  Patrick's Day,
died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St.  Patrick's Day parade."

St.  Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true!  Here's a little green cloud for you to
drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here,

will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat.  Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with
a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time

in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day,

he's driving down the expressway with the harp playing full blast when,

all of a sudden, a man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins

roars past him. In the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of

celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the

Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.

He says, "St.  Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman.  I was born on
St.  Patrick's Day, died on St.  Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's

Day parade.  I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little

green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes

Are Smiling.' But, there's a fellow over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink

and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of

celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St.  Peter stands up from his desk.  He leans over and motions
Pat, the Irishman to come closer. Then he says:, "Pat, shush!  He's the Boss's Son!"


Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.
Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"


Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled.

One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says,
"Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!"

"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"

"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches.
He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg,

and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."

"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.

"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch.
And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."

"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!"

"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."


A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church,
but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe,

but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now.
Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Well now, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"


The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming
at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth

"I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in

the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their
little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going
"Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild,

not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.


How can you tell if there is an Irishman at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if there is a Polishman there?
He bets on the duck.

How can you tell if there is an Italian there as well?
The duck wins.


Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man

and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies.

"I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn."

The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.

"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.

"Your right, he is unshakable!" The third English man said:

"No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...

"I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."


Two Poms and an Irishman were manning the spotlights in England in WW2.
One pom says to the other "here I'll show you how stupid the Irish are"

The pom says to Paddy " hey Paddy climb up the beam of light
and see if the Germans are coming tonite.

Paddy says "You'd be thinking I'm stupid.
I'd get half way up and you'd turn the bloody thing off on me"


German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time,

Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.

100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits

35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber optic network.

Irish scientists were outraged.
They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing.

They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.


How can you tell which guy inside a topless bar is Irish?
He's the one who is sitting there and just drinking.


Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English?
He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling,

" If you don't act better your all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"

One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't
quit denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transferred!

The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus.
"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said


"Peter said, 'It's not I is it master?'"

"Jesus just looked at Judas"

"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said,
'Blimy gov'nor, you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"


There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim
of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while

someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The man says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself
"Great -- if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant.

If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead."

Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish."

This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."


A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a really ill tempered and constantly complaining.

The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.

It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. Yada yada yada.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days
if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will

be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.

So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said. "It is said that if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No ma'am," the frustrated guide said. "But I've sat on it."


Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom

to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to

take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my

impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next o' kin."