An Irish man took his old donkey to the beach
to try and make a bit of money.
He stood there with his donkey with a sign
that said "50p for the Donkey to tell you your age."
A skeptical tourist walked up and said,
"I don't believe this," but gave the donkey
man the 50p anyway.
The old donkey stood there quietly contemplating
for a moment
then broke wind noisily and stamped his
front foot -- once.
The tourist was unimpressed and said to the
donkey guy, "Hey! He didn't tell me my age!"
"To be sure 'e did," said the donkey guy,
"you're farty one."
There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb,
sipping a bottle o' stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind.
The town constable walked up to her and
said,
"Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya
be doing a thing like this?"
The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer
me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the Mother Superior to cure
her constipation."
The perplexed policeman looked askance at
this and asked,
"And how might it be that yer present state
could have anything
to do with the Mother Superior's constipation?"
Sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this
way, she'll be shittin a brick."
Paddy and Mary, being good
Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy
says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We
can't keep on with anymore children."
So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you
know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain
altogether, and the other is the rhythm.."
Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I
going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to
the parishioners after his Sunday morning service,
as he always does, when Mary Clancey came
up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired
Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied
Mary.
"Well what would that be now, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away
last night."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible.
Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put
down the gun...'"
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat,
who went to heaven and saw
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman,
born on St. Patrick's Day,
died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in
the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is
true! Here's a little green cloud for you to
drive around heaven in and here is a harp
that, when you push this button here,
will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches
the button, and heads out with
a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time
in heaven, driving his little green cloud
around. But on the third day,
he's driving down the expressway with the
harp playing full blast when,
all of a sudden, a man in a pink and white
two-tone cloud with tail fins
roars past him. In the back of this cloud
is an organ which is playing all sorts of
celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right
in the middle of the
Heaven Expressway and charges back to the
Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat,
I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on
St. Patrick's Day, died on St.
Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's
Day parade. I come up here to heaven
and I get this tiny, insignificant little
green cloud and this little harp that plays
only one song, 'When Irish Eyes
Are Smiling.' But, there's a fellow over
there. He's got a big, beautiful pink
and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ
that plays all kinds of
celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman,
want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk.
He leans over and motions
Pat, the Irishman to come closer. Then he
says:, "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a
sawmill.
Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick!
I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you
do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here
like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends;
Paddy was crippled.
One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in
his rectory and says,
"Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what
just happened to Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to
Paddy in me church?"
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his
crutches.
He reached into the holy water font, rubbed
holy water all over his right leg,
and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy
is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks
the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg
and threw away his other crutch.
And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus,
Michael, tell me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass!
He's a cripple, ye know."
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the
Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked,
"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying
a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have
services for an animal in the church,
but there's a new denomination down the
road, no telling what they believe,
but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now.
Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Well now, why didn't
you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing
on a balcony beaming
at thousands of people in the forecourt
below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner
of her mouth
"I bet you a tenner that I can make every
English person in
the crowd go wild with just a wave of my
hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English
person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their
little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and
cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going
"Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought
she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and
then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every IRISH person
in the crowd go wild,
not just now, but for the rest of the week,
with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
How can you tell if there is an Irishman
at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if there is a Polishman
there?
He bets on the duck.
How can you tell if there is an Italian there
as well?
The duck wins.
Three English men were in a bar and spotted
an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to piss him off.
He walked over to the Irish man
and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I
hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the English man walked back to
his buddies.
"I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and
he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off,
watch and learn."
The second English man walked over and tapped
the Irish man on the shoulder.
"I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went
back to his buddies.
"Your right, he is unshakable!" The third
English man said:
"No, no, no, I will really piss him off,
you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irish
man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"I hear your St. Patrick was an English
man!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying
to tell me."
Two Poms and an Irishman were manning the
spotlights in England in WW2.
One pom says to the other "here I'll show
you how stupid the Irish are"
The pom says to Paddy " hey Paddy climb up
the beam of light
and see if the Germans are coming tonite.
Paddy says "You'd be thinking I'm stupid.
I'd get half way up and you'd turn the bloody
thing off on me"
German scientists dug 50 meters underground
and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans
25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not
that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig
even deeper.
100 meters down, they found small pieces
of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide
fiber optic network.
Irish scientists were outraged.
They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground,
but found absolutely nothing.
They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000
years ago had cellular telephones.
How can you tell which guy inside a topless
bar is Irish?
He's the one who is sitting there and just
drinking.
Did you hear about the priest in Ireland,
who kept running down the English?
He would renounce his congregation of sinners
by yelling,
" If you don't act better your all going
to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"
One day the bishop called him in, and told
him that if he didn't
quit denouncing the English, he would be
demoted and transferred!
The priest agreed, and in his next sermon,
he told the story of the betrayal of Jesus.
"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one
at a time and said
'TONIGHT, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"
"Peter said, 'It's not I is it master?'"
"Jesus just looked at Judas"
"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE
LORD upon him said,
'Blimy gov'nor, you wouldn't think it was
me would you?'"
There is this American tourist on a trip
around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides
to go for a stroll with the aim
of taking in this new culture. After he's
been walking for a while
someone rushes up behind him and sticks
a gun in his back.
The man says to the tourist, "What are you,
Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself
"Great -- if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
is sure to be Protestant.
If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
Catholic. Either way I'm dead."
Then he has a brain wave and says to the
Guy, "actually I'm Jewish."
This, he thinks to himself, will surely
keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I
must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a really
ill tempered and constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food
is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations
are awful. Yada yada yada.
The group arrived at the site of the famous
Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your
days
if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide
said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today
and so no one will
be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come
back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman
shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said. "It is said that
if you kiss
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll
have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone,"
the woman scoffed.
"No ma'am," the frustrated guide said. "But
I've sat on it."
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was
a fine spring day in his new
Texas mission parish. He walked to the window
of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day
outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying
dead in the
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This
is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front
lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple
o' yer lads to
take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to
be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now Father,
it was always my
impression that you people took care of
last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a
moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's
certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next
o' kin."
