In a castle that had a deep moat
Lived a chicken a duck and a goat.
They wanted to go out
And wander about
But all they needed was a boat.

There was a young girl from Oliver,
And all the men did follow her,
Until a guy came along,
And played her his song,
And all the rest quit call'n her.

A young schizophrenic named O'Strother,
When told of the death of his brother,
Said: "Yes, it's too bad,
But I can't feel too sad;
After all, I still have each other.

There one was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true!

We were painting the church steeple gray,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"We've had a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."

There was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!

There once was a man from Great Britain
Who interrupted two girls at their knittin'.
Said he with a sigh,
"That park bench, well I
Just painted it right where you're sittin'."

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."

A chemistry student named Tate,
was heard to remark to his date,
"Because of the stink,
a fart is, I think,
just shit in it's gaseous state."

On the subject of farts - one last item;
they've got to come out, so why fight'em?
You can blast them out loudly,
and boast of them proudly,
or if you're so inclined, you can light'em!

There was a lady who triplets begat
She named them Nat, Pat and Tat
She had great fun breeding
But she had trouble feeding
Cause she was lacking a tit for Tat.

A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
From the rear she's a Parker house Roll."

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.

There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she'd never benzene

There once was a poet named Dan,
Who's poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know"
"It's because I try to put every possible syllable into the very last line that I can" !!

There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
They were so nice
She ate too much spice
and pickled her internal workin's

There was a young fellow named Cager,
Who, as the result of a wager--
Consented to fart
The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's Quintet in F Major

I've been studying all night and I'm tired,
But I can't sleep because I'm so wired.
So I'll play on the net
'Stead of going to bed,
And my tests will seem a quagmire.

There once was a girl whose name was Jen.
Whose room was as messy as a pig pen
It got so cluttered
She shook and muttered
Oh, but everything blends, AMEN.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?

There once was a young man of Trinity
Who found the root infinity.
But the many digits
Gave him infinite fidgits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.

Some people say that a limerick
Is some kind of anonymous gimmerick
A Lear or a Nash
May own up to this trash
But never a Wordsworth, a Herrick or Himmerick

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

A disgusting old man from La Jolla
Has a habit that's sure to anolla.
Before telling a joke
He'll give you a poke,
And remark, "This'll really destrolla."

Thith Way to Thpeeth Clath:

A thpeeth teacther named Mitheth Bathye
Had thome thtudentth who acted quite lathye;
They lithped and they thputtered,
And thome of them th-th-thtuttered:
She thought they might jutht drive her crathye.

There once was a man from Peru
Who kept all his cash in his shoe;
It¹s not like a bank,
And it¹s really quite rank,
Especially from wearing it, too.

There was a golfer from Verdun
Who was not to be outdone.
To avoid glitches
He carried spare britches
In case he got a hole in one.

NOITPECREP FO MELBORP A

 thginK fo namow gnuoy a saw erehT
 ,thgir eht ot tfel eht morf etirw dluow ohW
 rorrim a ni dekool ehs liT'
 .rorre reh derevocsid dnA
 !thgir eht morf tfel eht ot setirw ehs woN

Said Einstein I have an equation
 Which some people may think Rabelaisian
 Let V be Virginity
 approaching Infinity
 And P be a constant Persuasion

 Now if V over P be inverted
 And the root of P be inserted
 X times into V
 The result, QED
 Is a relative, Einstein asserted.

There once was a man named Bill Beebee
Who was in love with a girl named Phoebe
He said I must see
what the wedding fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee

little louisie lue
had nothing whatever to do,
so she sat on the stairs
and counted out hairs
4302

A man called Fiddle,you see,
Was a student of divinity.
"When I graduate
'Twill be my poor fate
To be known as Fiddle D.D.!"

There was a young man from Lenore,
Whose mouth was as wide as a door.
While attempting to grin,
He slipped and fell in,
And laid inside out on the floor.

There was a young lady from France.
Who decided she'd just take a chance.
So she let herself go,
for an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

Bill Gates once said - rather stroppily-
"I tell you it's NOT a monopoly!
We fight to survive
And for freedom to thrive
As free men fought once at Thermopylae".

Said Janet "It is a monopoly
The proof? You program so sloppily
Your software's a pain
You have to restrain
The people who could do it properly".

A one liner Rhymer from Khymer

 A little known poet from Looe
 Penned Lim'ricks that stopped at line two

 A Limer-ricker from South Bend
 Wrote Lim'ricks without any end
 When they got to line three

 A poet I know was fated
 To write verses that were truncated
From the end of line four
 There just weren't no more

A hardworking poet called Clive
 With tremendously, effortful strive
 While penning his Lim'ricks
Eschewed any Slim'ricks
And made sure that they went to line 5

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds, that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong
You expected this line to be rude.

There was a young lady....tut, tut!
So you think you are in for some smut
Some five lined crescendo
Of lewd innuendo?
Well, you're wrong. This is anything but.

When God first brought man to fruition
He viewed all the scraps with contrition
He collected the junk
And created the skunk,
Then the snake, then the first politician.

One day at the lake with no sock
I was danglin' my feet off the dock
And then the game warden
Handcuffed me regardin'
The fact that the fish died from shock.

An ol' Texas cowboy once heered
That his boots warn't too highly reveered.
He installed Doctor Scholl's
Odor-Eater controls
And the next day he plumb disappeered

A computer scientist called Mad Matt
Crying "Genetics is where it's all at",
Crossed a Ford veep he knew
With a mammal that flew
And produced an auto.exec.bat

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
 But the good ones I've seen
 So seldom are clean
 And the clean ones so seldom are comical

Here in Brooklyn I just overhoid
the word bird mispronounced as woid boid
a po'm writ in voice
and to make matters woice
deres a street dey call East toity toid.

In Scotland they live in the tooon
and a circles not round it's arrrrooon
its not out - they go ooot
is a prizefight a boot ?
in the lifts are the buttons marked DOOON ?

And in England they're doing, their part
cockneys saying 'cor guv ave a nart'
instead of a wife
they've got troubles-and-strife
and an orse is wot's pulling a cart.

There was a young lady named Erin
Who asked, "Why are all the men starin'?"
Her mother said, "Honey,
It's 'cause you look funny,
And there's a distinct lack of clothes that you're wearin'!"

There once was a leprechaun named Pat
Who lived in a green, derby hat.
As legend foretold
He hid all his gold
And then he got ate by the cat!

There was a young lady from Exeter.
So lovely, men craned their necks at her.
Some were so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing marks of their sex at her.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Who could not carry a tune in a bucket.
And try as he might
He could not get it right
So finally he said, "Oh, f-f-f-f-f-ooey!"