The one day of the
year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other
98% completely shitfaced.
7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take
a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because
by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and withoutproper preparations, you will
smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars
open at 9,so use this time to prepare.
Collect the following supplies
and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an
impairedcondition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that'swhere you'll probably end
1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee.
Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. *Note that coffee should be
drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish inventedIrish Coffee; unless you ingest
a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick'sDay, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress
enoughthat you should not drink
and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing
someone in adrunken state when you have
plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when
it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar
in Boston isthe best alternative, since
Boston in Gaelic means West Killarney. However, almost every city in America
has barscalled The Blarney Stone,
McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar
is probablyowned by Koreans. Secure a
barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable
to be packed bynoon, and real Irish people
do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we
do recommendthe use of an adult undergarment
to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll
be soppingwet with spilled beer anyway,
and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench
of vomit.We recommend starting out
with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you
should not orderan "Irish Coffee," as you
will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a
cherry, and some guynamed Seamus will call you
a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck.
Ask for coffee with whiskey
and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add
spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not
be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart
said in BlazingSaddles:" Man drink like that,
and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and
not get thathideous, bloated feeling that
could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop
Tarts. Bothhave the carbohydrates you'll
need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach,
and both havenames that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening
phrase inthe English language on St.
Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off
of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You
may betempted to order green beer,
but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely
crowded as people take long brunches and bail out of church early to tie
one on. If you'redoing your job correctly,
the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By
now, you may be inconversation with some real
Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away
Some conversational points
to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer
and you shouldbe more passionate about it
than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed,
pig-screwingbastards who should be lined
up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well
at least three derogatory names for Margaret
Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink
Guinnessthroughout this leg, although
you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become
The Home Stretch:
7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to
be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible,
since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually
equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way
for a trueIrishman to leave a bar before
closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch.
It doesn'tmatter who you hit or why;
no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly,
sinceyour fine motor control has
been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't
Depending on your community,
the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor
and clapyou in irons. The final impression
you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar,
beginscreaming that you want to
take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who
took you tothe bar should have had his
or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these
simpleguidelines, your St. Patrick's
Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically
andbiologically impossible for
you to remember any of it.
Tune in next week for our next self- help guide:The Pros and Cons of Waking
Up Naked In a Dumpster.